Quotes

 
XANDER: Yeah, maybe it's definitely time to start looking for a new place. Something a little nicer. Buffy, you've been to Hell. They have one-bedrooms, right?
 
WILLOW: If you get the apartment, this'll be your hallway. We'll walk down this hall, and we'll say, "La la, I'm on my way to Xander's."
BUFFY: Just warning you, Xander, I probably won't be doing that.
RILEY: Really? I will.
 
BUFFY: How badly did you hurt him?
GILES: Well, hurt, uh ... maybe not ... hurt.
WILLOW: Well, I'm sure he was startled.
GILES: Uh, yes, yes, I'd imagine it gave him, uh, rather a turn.
BUFFY: He ran away, huh?
GILES: Um, sort of more ... uh ... turned and swept out majestically, I suppose. He said I didn't concern him.
BUFFY: So a mythic triumph over a completely indifferent foe?
GILES: Well, I'm not dead or unconscious, so I say bravo for me.
 
SCRUFFY XANDER: What? No way! Who is ... me? What am I doing in there?
 
SCRUFFY XANDER: I'm sort of having this aggressively bad day.
 
SCRUFFY XANDER: Welcome to payback, mister evil-plan-face-stealer. You take my life, you get my being fired absolutely free.
 
MANAGER: ... I think someone said you're currently in your parents' basement?
SUAVE XANDER: Right. There comes a point where you either have to move on, or just buy yourself a Klingon costume and ... go with it.
 
SCRUFFY XANDER: Please, lady, that is so not me. He's too clean for one thing. And his socks are all ... matchy.
 
SCRUFFY XANDER: On my seventh birthday ... I wanted a toy fire truck, and I didn't get it, and you were real nice about it, and then the house next door burnt down, and then real fire trucks came, and for years I thought you set the fire for me. And if you did, you can tell me.
 
SCRUFFY XANDER: I woke up in the dump this morning.
WILLOW: Xander, the basement isn't a dump. It, it's more like a really nice hovel.
 
WILLOW: Xander, you sound a little ... you have to help me figure this out, you know.
SCRUFFY XANDER: But I never help. I get in trouble and Buffy saves me.
WILLOW: That's not true! Sometimes we all help save you. And sometimes you're not in trouble.
SCRUFFY XANDER: I'm just ... another great humiliation. But this time it's even worse. This demon, he's like taking my life, and everyone's treating him ... Everyone's treating him like a grown-up! Will, I'm starting to feel like ...
WILLOW: Like what?
SCRUFFY XANDER: Like ... he's doing everything better. He's smarter, and ... I don't know, maybe I should just let him have it. Take my life, please.
WILLOW: Xander, no! You're just tired, and ... and all soggy. That's why it seems so hard, but you can't let him just take your whole existence.
SCRUFFY XANDER: Why not? It's not like I was doing anything so great with it. When I get to the pearly gates I'm sure the guy is not gonna go, "Hey, what a kick-ass comic book collection! Come on in!"
 
XANDER: Hey, wait till you have an evil twin. See how you handle it.
WILLOW: I handled it fine.
 
ANYA: So ... what happens next?
SUAVE XANDER: Well, at some point we take off our clothes.
ANYA: I mean what happens next in our lives? When do we get a car?
SUAVE XANDER: A car?
ANYA: And a boat. No, wait, I - I don't mean a boat. I mean a puppy. Or a child. I have a list somewhere.
SUAVE XANDER: What are you talking about?
ANYA: Just ... we have to get going. I don't have time just to let these things happen.
SUAVE XANDER: There's no hurry.
ANYA: Yes there is. There's a hurry, Xander. I'm dying. I may have as few as fifty years left.
SUAVE XANDER: Fifty years? What is thi- Oh, wait a minute. This is about this. [he touches her sling]
ANYA: It's not about the sling.
SUAVE XANDER: You haven't been hurt like this since you became human. Maybe it's finally hitting you what being human means.
ANYA: No, that's not it.
SUAVE XANDER: Yes, I think it is. You were gonna live for thousands of years. And now you're gonna age and die. That must be terrifying.
ANYA: You don't understand what it's like.
SUAVE XANDER: Being suddenly human? I think I can get what that would be like. And we can get through it together.
ANYA: You can't make it any different. I'm going to get old. And ... you can't promise you'll be with me when I'm ... wrinkly and my teeth are artificial and stuck into my wrinkly mouth with an adhesive.
SUAVE XANDER: No, I can't promise that. But it doesn't sound terrible. And that's saying something.
 
BUFFY: Riley, do you wish-
RILEY: No.
BUFFY: No? You don't even know what I was gonna say.
RILEY: Yes, I do. You wanted to know if I wished you got hit by the ferula-gemina, got split in two.
BUFFY: Well, you have been kind of rankly about the whole slayer gig. Instead of having slayer Buffy, you could have Buffy Buffy.
RILEY: Hey. I have Buffy Buffy. Being the slayer's part of who you are. You keep thinking I don't get that, but ...
BUFFY: It's just ... I know how ... un-fun it can be. The bad hours, frequent bruising, cranky monsters ...
RILEY: Buffy ... if you led a perfectly normal life, you wouldn't be half as crazy as you are. I gotta have that. I gotta have it all. I'm talkin' toes, elbows, the whole bad-ice-skating-movie obsession, everything. There's no part of you I'm not in love with.
 
BUFFY: If Xander kills himself, he's dead.
 
SUAVE XANDER: No way.
SCRUFFY XANDER: He can't be me. He's all ... fancy.
RILEY: We can prove that you're both Xander.
BUFFY: Yeah! How?
RILEY: Um ...
BUFFY: Um ...
RILEY: Well, there has to be a way.
BUFFY: Ooh! What number am I thinking of?
RILEY: I don't think that's gonna do it.
XANDERS, in unison: Eleven and a half.
BUFFY: Wrong. Oh! But see?
 
RILEY: Psychologically, this is fascinating. Doesn't it make everyone wanna lock them in separate rooms and do experiments on them?
 
ANYA: Well, maybe we shouldn't do this reintegration thing right away. See, I can take the boys home, and ... we can all have sex together, and ... you know, just slap 'em back together in the morning.
SUAVE XANDER: She's joking.
SCRUFFY XANDER: No she's not! She entirely wants to have sex with us together. Which is ... wrong, and, and it would be very confusing.
GILES: Uh, uh, we just need to light the candles. Also, we should continue to pretend we heard none of the disturbing sex talk.
WILLOW: Check. Candles and pretense.
ANYA: It's not like it'd be cheating. They're both Xander.
 
ANYA: What'll we do if this doesn't work?
XANDERS, in unison: Kill us both, Spock! (cracking up)
BUFFY: They're ... kinda the same now.
GILES: Yes, he's clearly a bad influence on himself.
 
RILEY: Getting nostalgic?
XANDER: I don't know. At first it's just a place, then you start to make memories, and ... then you're like, that's where Spike slept, and there, that's where Anya and I drowned the separvo demon. Oh! and, and right there, that's where I got my heart all ripped out ... I really hate this place.
 
BUFFY: Anya. I see you've joined the non-sling-wearing crowd.
ANYA: Yes, I'm feeling better. And I anticipate many years before my death. Excepting disease or airbag failure.
BUFFY: That sounds nice.
 
ANYA: Buffy has super strength. Why don't we just load her up like one of those little horses?
 
XANDER: How is it that she can always make me feel Suave Xander's left the building?
RILEY: You two have your friction, but ... she digs the whole package. It's obvious.
XANDER: Still, I do envy you sometimes. I mean for the sanity. Not that I'm still into Buffy. Not that I ever was.
RILEY: Hey, I'm well aware of how lucky I am. Like, lottery lucky. Buffy's like nobody else in the world. When I'm with her it's like ... it's like I'm split in two. Half of me is just ... on fire, going crazy if I'm not touching her. The other half ... is so still and peaceful ... just perfectly content. Just knows: this is the one. But she doesn't love me.

compiled by Meaghan

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